Traveling is Fun!! My Day at the Airport

9:00am 
woke up. Suitcase was packed on the floor. Don't remember packing it last night. Didn't check what I packed, I trust my drunk self.

10:00am 
Waiting at train station.
Only one track is running and the people are HIGHLY CONFUSED. everyone is asking everyone what's going on. Old asian lady walked up to me and asked "is a train coming?" I said "I hope so, it seems to be the only reason we're all here." She walked away dissatisfied.

10:10am
YoungGirl is waiting for train holding lacrosse stick. Old man walks up and says "that's something you don't see here everyday. Do you play?"
I think in my head "oh no she just carries it for fun you old creepy man, shut up dude, we're all still drunk and miserable, theres no time for dumb questions'
Girl responds "oh no I dont Im actually meeting my friend in the city and bringing it to her" then she fakes a phone call

10:30am
Guy said I dont think we've met. Girl said Oh I'm Samantha. I laughed out loud from the corner. http://t.co/QO55YlqvEx

10:45am 

got on train

Stood next to an old lady in christmas gear and a young knitter. For 10 mins the old lady talked and the knitter didn't say a word. Then the knitter flipped the script and talked for 20 mins straight about her knitting and the old lady wanted to tap out of the convo so bad. Some good quotes from the two....

"It's so weird. I'm doing this and it's like my hand just knows exactly what to do" - the knitter, She has no idea how the brain works

"back when I was only doing scarves" - the knitter. Old lady just nodded along like she knows the timetable and levels of knitting

"Don't think of me as elderly, think of me as 20 years younger. I hate the word elderly." - Elderly women

"All of my friends are 20 years older than me" - shocking development from the person knitting on the train

11:00am 
I gave the handle I was holding to the lady next to me and she hugged me as a thank you. Hugged me.

11:30am a lot of people got off the train and I got to sit down

12:00 pm

just watched a guy methodically place 8 wine bottles into his suitcase. Kind of impressive. Kind of sad. Kind of feel like that's something you do at an earlier time.

12:06 pm

Doug just got off the monorail at terminal 2 by accident and Dougs girlfriend screamed like he was leaving her for life. There was a split second where he doubted the entire relationship, I saw it. But then he got back on the monorail

12:11 pm

had an inner conversion with myself on if I should apologize to whoever sits next to me on the plane for my breath cause it smells like a dog shit in my mouth but then i remembered gum is a product that exists and moved on to the next inner conversation.

12:15 pm
Had a fight with the Delta check in computer cause it would not stop dispensing trash at me.

12:19 pm
Thought about how much Id pay for wifi on this flight. Settled at 100 dollars being the limit.

12:20 pm

talked out loud for first time. MAYHEM AT CHECK IN. Full story to come.

12:21 pm

Swiped my card at the computer check in. They said are you James O'Brien? I said yup! You nailed it computer!

Then I proceeded to check in.

Paid for an aisle seat cause if I was in a middle seat Id literally vomit.

Paid to check my bag.

Walk up to give the lady my bag and Linda says "wow you're early!" I say "no Linda I'm actually late."

She says "you don't board until midnight."

I say "fuck you Linda enough with the jokes let's just get going i'm hungover and miserable already."

She says "it ain't no joke. You board at midnight and land in Minnesota at 5am."

I start throwing punches.

Turns out there's multiple people named James OBrien in this world and one of the others is flying to MN tonight. Well to that fellow name holder I say, don't worry about getting to the airport early cause you're already checked in, and pack a bag, bring some extra stuff cause it's already paid for! Also enjoy the new seat in the exit row!

12:45 pm

MISSED MY FLIGHT

By the time all the confusion was figured out it was too late.

The girl teller had such a good laugh at my situation. I think it made her day. So that was nice of me. Made that girls day and paid for other James OBrien seat change and bag. Paying it forward is what I do!

12:57 pm

This dude (my closest thing to a friend right now) just fidgeted with his suitcase for 10 mins straight.

1:05 pm 

BIG SISTER TO THE RESCUE

Courtney Michele O'Brien got me on a 9pm flight. Got me a nice seat and got me a 100 dollar delta gift card.

Now it's just airport chillin for 8 hours. Really wish I showered this morning.

Where does 100 dollars of flying get me? San Fran to Stockton? New York to New Jersey?

1:13 pm

 waiting in a 20 minute line just to flirt with the girl from Delta again. She seemed to find my miserable life funny. Plus I got 8 hours to kill.

1:19 pm

Still in line to flirt. Just remembered the old lady and the knitter on the train and laughed.

If you took a piece of a desert and mixed it with fresh dog shit you'd have the smell/feel/taste of my mouth right now

1:25 pm

I don't meet her requirements. Also, can she breath? Is she being choked?

1:31 pm

Courtney also got me my money back for other James OBriens upgraded seat and bag. So much just went down in that guys life that he doesn't even know about.

10 minutes ago he was checked in to his flight with a sweet seat and a free bag. Now he's just back to his chump life. Still got a nice name though.

1:34 pm

Guy at security just complained that the people didn't let him smile in his passport picture. But like a real complaint not a joke. Hes mad about that. Hes mad that they didn't let him smile in his passport picture.

I'm over here committing identify theft by accident, hungover and shit mouth and this guys mad that THEY DIDNT LET HIM SMILE IN HIS PASSPORT PICTURE.

1:40 pm

Just did the security tube thing where you raise your hands and stand still and came to the conclusion that I'm still drunk.

1:46 pm

Three dogs just walked passed me in the terminal and I thought that's weird must be a dog flight leaving soon. Then pictured a plane of just dogs and laughed really hard. Buncha dogs just sitting in all the seats.

Man this is gonna be a rough 8 hours

1:49 pm

Just ordered a ham egg and cheese sandwich. Guy behind me in line said

"That sounds good, what is that?"

I said "don't really know how else to describe man"

He then proceeded to order and said "I'll have what he got"

Can't make this stuff up! Airports are crazy!

1:47 pm

Bought an apple juice cause it was the bottle like in Boy Meets World

1:50 pm

Took a sip. Apple juice kinda sucks.

2:15 pm

Got lost in thought while buying gum trying to decide which guy Id rather hang out with.

Couldn't come to a conclusion.

Asked the clerk lady which one shed choose. She responded with "will the gum be all?"

2:38 pm

threw up in the bathroom stall

2:44 pm

 at the bar drinking a beer

2:52 pm

Guy sitting next to me at the bar ordered French fries then asked for a bottle of ranch dressing. Then poured the ranch all over the fries.

I'm not a fan of the guy next to me at the bar. Hope his flight is leaving soon.

3:10 pm

Tony, the old Asian Bartender made a drink in a blender. He poured it slowly into the glass while saying "oh thasss roooookin good" to himself. I found humor in that.

3:11 pm

middle eastern man walked up to bar and ordered a salmon salad. Asian bartender misheard him and said "chicken salad?" Middle eastern man nodded. He doesn't know he's not getting what he ordered yet.

Accents are tough

3:15 pm

The same thing just happened to me! Ordered a club sandwich. The guy gave me a Cobb salad. Maybe don't have the old Asian man who doesn't know english well be the main bartender/server!

accents are tough!!!!!

3:25 pm

Realized I'm stuck in this airport for 6 more hours and got sad.

3:26 pm

replayed Tony saying "oh thasss roooookin good" in my head and got happy again

3:29 pm

Second bartender came back from break and Tony, who had been working hard (tho not good) alone said to her "whaaaaaaaaaa you think I'm soup maaaaaaan????"

3:30 pm

Tony becomes my new favorite person of the day

3:34 pm

I get my sandwich. Ranch French Fries dude leaves and I get excited at the prospect of a new person sitting next to me.

3:40 pm

I realize that the other James OBrien will be at the airport while I'm still here and debate if I should tell him all that happened. I decide not to cause he probably does not care one bit and I don't know how'd if find him.

3:45 pm

Guy in all camo asked Tony to change the channel. Tony scrolls through every single channel like its 1996 trying to find the game.

Camo guy tell him to use the guide to find the channel.

Tony thinks since camo guy talked he must have found the right channel. Puts down the remote and leaves the weather on.

Camo guy is perplexed.

I think about explaining Tony to him but I don't think he'd understand.

3:48 pm

Vicky, the second bartender asks "why are you still here don't you have a flight to catch?"
I explain the situation to her. She's very apologetic. Feels bad for me.

3:50 pm

A you g girl sits next to me. I'm in no state to attempt to be normal and talk to her.

3:54 pm

I think about Tony calling superman Soup Man cause of his accent and everything is okay in the world.

4:02 pm

Kid to my left says. "Sorry for eavesdropping but I overheard your situation. That really sucks man"
Yeah, thanks for the input.

4:15 pm

Left the bar.

4:23 pm

Laying on the ground in the corner. Gonna try and take a nap. Or a full nights sleep, I got time

I left the bar cause the kid to my left ordered a double of fireball and I thought that was a pretty sad thing to do AND he definitely fit the bill of a kid who orders doubles of fireball so I took a picture of him but he saw me do it so I bounced

4:47 pm

Here's a picture of what I look like right now. Just older and grosser. Same idea though

5:00 pm

Realize sleep isn't gonna happen. Start sadly walking aimlessly around the airport.

5:03 pm

See a sign that says Need Help? and laugh.

5:08 pm

Me and a older gentleman lock eyes for a little too long. Both feel weird about it

Notice there's no more dogs around which all but confirms my dog flight theory.

5:15 pm

Got unreasonably mad at whoever okayed the art piece in the middle of the terminal.

Hey the terminal is looking bland, let's put some art work in there.

I know a guy who can make the general shape of an animal out of old shitty wood

No no but that sounds horrible. Actually, you know what, let's do it

5:19 pm

Thought to myself, maybe I can go poop and that'll kill some time. Then realized i didn't have to poop so that plan didn't work.

5:22 pm

Had a chuckle that newspapers and magazines still exist. Then proceeded to buy a book which made my chuckle a hypocrite

5:31 pm

Tony is on lunch break and came over and sat right in front of me to eat, which is quite literally the best thing that's happened to me since he said Soup Man.

5:42 pm

Realized I've eaten breakfast and lunch at the airport and will soon eat dinner here too.

5:47 pm

Guy is talking on phone on speakerphone so I slid over to hear that conversation. Guy next to me is coaching his friend through relationship problems. His main advice is to grab beers and some bags of green leaf (someone hip tell me what that is?) and then just let it happen.

5:50 pm

They switched to FaceTime so he can show him his gingerbread house. Convos real boring.

6:07 pm

Bought another book cause I'm a sucker. Now have 5 books in my backpack.

6:12 pm

Pooped

6:17 pm

Back to the bar. Tony and Vicky are both still working. The niners scored a touchdown and Tony had a good laugh over that. Says he's never seen so many points before.

6:47 pm

The two strangers to my right started talking to eachother about football. One is a degenerate gambler and the other is a football novice. This is the convo

"This was such a sucker game. I knew it was. I saw the one point and took it. Need Phillips to bring them back"

"Yeah he looks pretty good"

"Football football stats on depth stats money gambling terms football lingo"

"Yeah for sure"

7:41 pm

Still here

9:10 pm

Get on plane. My seat is right in the front. Kinda cool I guess.

10:32 pm

Girl next to me just asked flight attendant what the wine selection is. He said red or white.

Missed a good opportunity to break into billy Joel song IMO

Flight attendant looks like Craig Robinson. Also a Delta makes there flight attendants wear turtle necks. Id quit on the spot.

11:50 pm

Really need to pee but got a ton of garbage on my tray and Craig isn't even close to coming around with the garbage bin yet

11:58 pm

Peed

12:00 am

Plane is an igloo. Blanketed up. Lady across from me just whipped out a down comforter. Debating fighting her for it.

12:05 am

Girl next to me just gave me a free drink coupon. This day is turning around!! (But not really. Still sucked)

2:21 am

Over iowa. They've over compensated for the cold and I am now on a sauna plane. Down comforter blanket lady may quite possibly die.

5:55 am

Landed.

7:43 am

Got to Newtown. 20 hours later. Trip end.